As many of you know, I got the opportunity of a life time this summer, and got to live in Japan for two whole months!! So now that I'm back, I have about 6 people from the school I went to while I was there e-mailing me every day. And I love them to pieces, but writing to that many people in Japanese is really hard for me! I keep getting discouraged, and then I feel guilty for not writing to them, so I put it off longer, and it keeps cycling around like that.

Believe it or not, I still have the same crush on the same teacher as the last time I posted. (What is this, going on 3 years or so now?) Ugh! But she's so nice, and it's hard when more than anything, I want her to be happy, and she seems very happy to me. She has a great partner who she's lived with for about 10 years, and I would never want to take that away from her. Still, I can't help but wish that I fit in there somewhere. No for Stephie!

I haven't cut for nearly a year now, which I never would have guessed I could do. But my depression is still as bad as usual, and it's getting difficult to think I may ever find something that helps! My psychologist brought up electroshock therapy, which scres me... But then again, we don't have much medical data for that treatment here in the US. Besides that, I suppose I'll keep trying outpatient therapy and various medications. Eventually, I have a feeling I'll have to try inpatient, which I am not looking forward to. (Based upon what I've heard from other people.) Beyond that, there's always brain surgery to try if things get beyond desperate. I keep trying to explain to people why I can't handle school work and social obligations, but they just don't get it. It's like, I want to be dead. I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt people, and they won't give me permission to off myself. So, I'm doing them a favor just by sticking around. Why should I then have to do all this other shit, too? Living is enough torment - i don't need homework on top of that! Ugh. More on AP classes and homework later...